How Do We Help Our Girls Cope With Drama

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I have a daughter in her early teens but she has been dealing with drama since the second grade! Why are girl friendships so filled with drama these days? What can we do to help our girls have healthy friendships and not to be little drama mamas themselves? How do we help our girls cope with drama?

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We don’t have cable but we do watch a lot of Netflix at our house. I have noticed the shows with girl characters have A LOT of drama. Almost every episode is about friends betraying each other and getting mad at each other. Only to have a nice resolution to the conflict 23 minutes later. That’s all fine and good but in real life, we are just not made to yo-yo that quickly with our emotions. It hurts longer than a day when our friends betray us.

We have to help our girls cope with the drama, otherwise they will emulate what they see on TV.

Friendship Trouble:

I hear all too often about girls with friends who are wafflers. They don’t want to be friends today but tomorrow expect to pick up right where they left off. That kind of relationship is too one-sided. We have to teach our daughters what good friendships look like.

My daughter had issues in second grade with a girl who was not a very good friend. I bought “A Smart girl’s guide to friendship troubles” put out by American Girl. This book proved to be an invaluable tool for my daughter.

The book contains several quizzes. The quiz titled “are you in a toxic friendship” helped my daughter understand that she was being treated poorly. She was able to answer the set of questions with different friends in mind to see who was a good friend and who wasn’t. Most importantly she learned how to be a good friend herself. This book tackled some topics she wasn’t ready for in second grade but she has grown into it since. You can buy this book here.

Age Compression

In the book titled “So Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood and What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Kids” by Diane E. Levin Ph.D. and Jean Kilbourne Ed.D.the authors address what they call “age-compression”. That simply means that eight-year-olds are dealing with the same stuff we dealt with when we were twelve.

Kids are being exposed to issues at a younger age and are just not emotionally mature enough to handle it. Is this why we see so much drama in young girls? Do our girls mimic the behavior they see but are not mature enough to understand the consequences?

This book is an excellent read for parents who are trying to keep their kids from being swept up in cultural norms! Age-compression is just a small part of what the author’s address. You can buy this book here.

How we can help our girls cope with drama?

Teach her that feelings are not always fact!

When I was in my mid-twenties I read a book that changed my life! I wish I could tell you the name of the book but I read a lot and can’t remember that far back. Mostly I took one thought away from that book and it was this:

Feelings are not always fact.

What!!! As an emotional woman whose quality of days was determined by how I felt this was a mind-blowing thought. I didn’t have to be a captive to how I was feeling. My feelings might not be an accurate measure of a situation, again mind-blown.

We need to teach our daughters to evaluate situations and not to let their emotions lead them. As they enter puberty and hormones get involved this becomes even more important. When my feeling are hurt and I stop to evaluate I almost always realize that I am hormonal. Give or take a few days and I wouldn’t have taken offense!

I feel so strongly that if our girls can master this concept when they are young so much of life will be easier for them!

Here is a printable to remind your daughter how special she is! Just sign up using the form below to gain access to your free printable!

Teach her to ask questions!

I am trying to teach my daughter to ask questions if someone hurts her feelings. Questions like:

“That seemed rude, did you mean it that way?”

“I’m not sure what you meant by that. Can you explain.”

“Have I offended you somehow?”

Then the other person has a chance to clarify what they meant. Usually, girls are not trying to be mean they just don’t communicate well. I see in my daughter and her friends the need to establish their identity. Because they don’t always communicate well this can come off as bragging, being a know it all, and comparison. Giving the benefit of the doubt is always the better course of action.

Unfortunately, sometimes the person does mean to be rude, by asking questions we at least have the opportunity to deal with rudeness head-on. Another advantage of questioning your friend on their comments is that if they were being mean they will usually stop.

Asking questions right away can keep our feelings from festering and ruining a relationship.

Teach her that everyone has their own strengths!

To me, it seems like there is an awful lot of comparison between girls (and grown women). I’m not sure why we feel that if someone is good at something it diminishes our own worth. Can we teach our daughters that they don’t have to be the best at everything? God made each of us to fill a role in life that is uniquely our own. I also think having a realistic view of their strengths and weaknesses helps our daughters navigate the world with confidence and humility. When other’s strengths are not a threat to our worth we can celebrate their victories! Don’t we all want a friend that celebrates with us? (See below for a free printable)

Teach her to evaluate her relationships!

Does your daughter’s friend support her? Is her friend loyal? Do they build each other up? If the answer to those questions is no then it might be time to reevaluate. I’m not a big fan of just walking away from people but there is a time when it is necessary. If your daughter has a friend that puts her down or is always in the position of power in the relationship then it might be time to find a new friend. The book “A Smart Girls Guide to Friendship Troubles” has a lot of good advice for navigating friendship issues.

Teach her to take the high road!

Oh, this one is so hard! When your daughter is faced with a friend that is talking behind her back encourage her not to retaliate. Help her understand that her friend’s behavior doesn’t reflect on her. Bad behavior really only makes the perpetrator look bad. My daughter had a situation like this and it took a lot of work but she kept her mouth shut. By the end of the year, she was approached by several other girls who acknowledged that the other girl was not very nice.

Kindness is always the better way if not the easier way.

I wish you and your daughter good friendships lacking in drama but rich in laughter!